Saturday, May 9, 2009

Not Your Usual Red Flags

Well folks here is a fun post. Today we're going to talk about red flags but not the obvious ones.

Everyone has different red flags in dating. Some people think treating the server either well or not well is a clue. Occasionally, yes. Some people think being miserly is. Yep, ok.

Today we're going to talk about verbal cues that let you know you've got a loser on your hands. When you're thinking about what to talk about on the first date, be sure to be also be thinking about listening on the first date.

Racism or classism dressed up as talking about 'reality'
Beware if your date ever talks excessively about one race or religion or anything being of lower standards. This indicates that your date needs someone to be superior to. Use your intuition, but if my date started talking in a way that let me know he/she thought an entire class or population of people was substandard, I'd be done. This person will say how they're just saying what others think but won't say, or they'll say that it's just reality and they're just giving voice to it, but that's not why they're saying it.

If your date is one of those folks who needs to have a reason to put down whole populations of people for any reason, it won't be long till you're hearing it about people you like, or even about you. This person needs to talk this way to feel better about him/herself. Stay far, far away.

This goes along with the first one up there about racism or classism. If your date even talks about their own gender disparagingly in a way that doesn't feel like just a joke or just something mild and nothing to worry about, then you've got the person described above on your hands.

If it's a man who talks about women like they're just looking for a meal ticket or is entirely too practical about male-female relations, or deems a woman as damaged goods dependent on how many folks she's slept with, run. You'll also want to be wary of guys who talk a lot about divorce courts favoring women. You don't want to deal with that later.

If it's a woman talking about men like they're all dogs, also run. 'Cause, umm, that means you're a dog too, or at least a dog until proven innocent. Fun times with insecurity. Woof woof.

Cheating is ok under certain circumstances, right?
Wrong-o. If you've got someone on your hands who thinks cheating is just about sex and unfulfilled sexual needs, then the case may be that you are chatting with someone who is blissfully unaware of how people tick or even how they tick themselves. This is someone who may someday justify cheating on you.

Rescue Alert
Watch out for someone who talks too much about rescuing women OR fixing others' problems.
If you've got a guy who talks a lot about rescuing women from difficult situations, and you feel it's a bit much, then it probably is. This person may be kind-hearted but if your intuition is ringing the alarm, then you are probably detecting their codependency.

I've had guys talk about how they're seeing red over their gal-friend's problems. Ok, that's fine, but why are you talking about this with me? It bothers you so much that you talk about it on dates with other chicks? Are you joking?

The same goes for guys whose date talks too much about fixing people. You'll know what's right and what isn't, and I'm encouraging you to listen to your gut. Want to be the next project? I didn't think so.

"Other people sometimes say I'm a jerk." "Sometimes I have a bad mouth. I don't mean anything though."
Oh really? This person probably is a jerk. This is one time when you should trust a stranger.

Don't ever discount it when someone volunteers this information. For one thing, they clearly believe it enough to repeat it and make it a part of whatever they think you should know about them. And secondly, people have called them a jerk that much for a reason.

I had one guy who told me that people had told him he was arrogant. I laughed it off. Guess what I soon thought of him? I thought he was arrogant. Duh.

What's important?
Remember, when someone's dating you, that's called courting. What is your immediate idea of courting? A person comes around trying to look as attractive as possible, trying to see if you and they could 'be' together. So, within reason, the things they are going to say to you on a date are going to be things they think are important - either just important, period, or these things will be what they think is important for you to know about them. So please pay attention.

The Point.

The main thrust of this post is this - listen to your gut. Don't discount those feelings like, 'umm, why is this person telling me this?' Those feelings are right. If something feels off, then it probably is off. Your gut knows better than you do. It's the honest part of you, the part that isn't blocked off by your motivations, fears, and rationalizations. So pay attention please.

You've got to use your judgment, but don't ever altogether ignore your gut. If you do, it'll be at your expense later.

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