Dating and Boundaries: Figuring out What Your Boundaries Are

In my last article, I wrote about dating and boundaries, and why they are useful. In today's article, we are going to discuss how you can set boundaries.

First, remember that another word for boundaries is limits. You are going to decide in advance what limits you are will set in whatever areas are important you. Some areas that people consider important in dating are sex, time spent, and money spent. Another area is how fast you want things to go.

Some people think that setting boundaries is what you do once you're in a relationship. Wrong.

If you're one of those, you may be asking yourself constantly why you can't make a relationship work. It's because boundaries need to be set during dating. You need to know yourself well enough to know what will work for you and what won't.

One way to know that is also to figure out what your dating goal is. Are you looking for a life partner right now? Are you open to that? Are you just playing the field? For each situation, your boundaries will be different. They might be more stringent if you're in the market for a life partner and fast and loose if you're just playing the field. So, therefore, first figure out your object.

So let's get into the nitty gritty: how to figure out your boundaries.

In order to do this, you're going to need to ask yourself some questions and write down the answers. It's a process.

First, let's talk about sex.

Sex and Boundaries in Dating
Remember, sex isn't just the 'main event'. It's also everything leading up to it -- all physicality. It starts with hand holding, then might progress to a hug or a kiss, then making out and so on. So let's start at the beginning.

• At what point do I hold hands?
  
• At what point do I kiss someone?
  
• Am I ok with kissing on the first date? If yes, under what circumstances?
  
• Regarding kissing, what kind of kissing is ok the first time, what is ok the 2nd time?
  
• What needs to happen before I'm willing to be alone with someone? At what point am I ok with someone coming over to my house? This is important because being alone, in true privacy, with someone you're highly attracted to often can lead to a sexual situation.
  
• What is my position on birth control and STDs?
  
• How do I feel about an unplanned pregnancy? What would I want to do in that situation?
• Regarding unplanned pregnancy - what if my partner's ideas about the actions to take in that situation are different than mine? Do I stick to my original plan?
• Do I keep dating someone who disagrees with my limits?
  
• What is ok on the first date?
  
• What is ok on the 2nd date and the third?
  

That should be enough food for thought for now.

General Dating Boundaries, Money, and Time Spent

• What do I think about dating and finances - ie who pays? On the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd date?
• How does my dating process work - do I meet someone for coffee first and then go on the 1st date later?
• At what point do I decide to either keep dating someone or decline further dates?
  
• What are my deal breakers - things that I cannot accept?
  For example, when I was dating, I could not deal with someone who was unemployed or lived with their parents. If they seemed shady or said anything condescending about women, then they were not for me. I knew that condescending statements about women indicated poor boundaries (who would ever say such things to someone they were trying to impress?) as well as attitudes that I might later have to deal with. No thanks.
  
• How much time do I spend on dating? One evening a week? Two lunches? A lunch and a coffee? etc.
• If I have children, when is it ok for this person to meet them?

You now have some food for thought. Now it's time to think about it. And write about it. Write down your thoughts and your boundaries. Writing something down like this helps clear your head and organize your thoughts.

Good luck!

Dating and Boundaries

Many people abhor dating. I did too, until I discovered the power of boundaries and thoughtfulness.

I did a lot of online dating to find my husband. I found that the better my boundaries were, and the more I understood my own motives for doing things, and what I really wanted, the easier dating became.

In this article, let's just get started with discussing what boundaries are, why they're important in dating, and what they do for you.

So what are boundaries in dating?
Another word for boundaries could be 'limits'. Boundaries are basically decisions - what is acceptable to you and what isn't. It could be knowing what your limits on physicality are, on how much you'll spend on dating, and on how much time you wish to spend on it. I encourage you to actually ask yourself these questions and write down the answers in order to clear your head.

Why Are Boundaries Important in Dating?
Well, actually, boundaries are important not just in dating, but in every aspect of life. Knowing your boundaries is a part of knowing yourself. And that is especially important in dating.

When you're looking for a mate, how can you know what you're looking for without knowing yourself? You've got to figure out what you can stand, what you can't stand, and what's negotiable. Otherwise, you're just fumbling around in the dark or, worse, settling for whomever is willing to hang around for a while. That results in a lot of drama and hurt feelings. Who needs that?

Boundaries in dating give you options.
Setting boundaries and sticking to them is a form of acceptance of yourself. When you accept yourself as you are, then you have options. Setting boundaries in dating helps you avoid that icky feeling of having betrayed yourself, helps avoid resentments later, and helps your confidence. When you respect yourself, your confidence grows as you face fears.

Here's an example. At one point, when I was dating, I was always afraid of rejection. Of course everyone fears this, but I avoided facing that fear - I did not act in a way that was true to myself, believing that saying no to anything would result in that person not 'liking' me anymore.

Actually, it was quite the opposite. Saying yes to everything that your date wants may seem nice to your date at first. But soon, he or she will catch on that you really aren't into this stuff. At that point, they will feel like you are fake, emotionally immature (red flag) or are a game player who will, if they fall for you, change into your true self once you feel that you've 'got them'.

Once you've learned to say no a few times and survived, you will start feeling more confident and valid. Your dates will notice this characteristic.

And, not only that, but once you know it's ok to say no, you will also start saying no but learning to compromise too. This is a mark of emotional maturity that everyone recognizes and appreciates.

What's most important to know about boundaries is basically knowing what yours are, and then sticking to those, so that you preserve your integrity and avoid that 'icky' feeling of having just made a mistake that you now must live with.

You can start setting boundaries from the moment you write an online dating profile, or even start chatting with people online.

How do you know what your boundaries are? You decide them in advance and you write them down if you must.

Check back for more in my next article about Dating and Boundaries.

Questions? Super Dating Coach has answers. Just contact me via the blog and I will answer your questions - it's free so why not?